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Tasteful jokes

Lawyer jokes

Tell MEL a joke

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Tasteful jokes

A Mental Exercise
(thanks to attorney Rick Johnson, Tallahassee Florida)

 The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the TOP 12 recent winners:

1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
   
   
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   
   
3. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
   
   
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
   
   
5. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
   
   
6. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
   
   
7. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
   
   
8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
   
   
9. Glibido: All talk and no action.
   
   
10. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    
    
11. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
    
    
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole.
    

Actual  label instructions found on consumer goods.

(If you can believe what you read on the internet)

Bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside"
(The shoplifter special)

Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost"
(just a  suggestion)

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late)

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)Bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap"
(How...?)

Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication"
(Good idea for most kids)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)

Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping"
(Okay)

Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(What's left?)

Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious)

Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Really?)

American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta)

Child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of the garment does not enable you to fly."
(Lawyers wrote that one)

Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(You should not have to be told this)

I swear, it's true!

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five; I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

But the witnesses don't have anything on the lawyers:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

...and with that we bring you:

Lawyer jokes

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.  "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.  "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied.

"Now," the lawyer continued,  "what was your third question?"

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

Skeet

The Lawyer's Creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in a Cadillac go over a cliff?

A Cadillac seats six

What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?

Lipstick

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A Doberman

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

What is the definition of a lawyer?

A mouth with a life-support system.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A whine cellar.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?

Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?

Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What do Lawyers and sperm have in common?

They come by the thousands but only one works.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cement?

The bucket.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

Underneath a lot of cement.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

Why should they bury lawyers under 20 feet of cement?

Because deep down, they're really good people.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

No, really.  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Tell MEL a joke

Do you know a good, tasteful joke or a poor, tasteless lawyer joke?  Tell MEL, and share your comments about this site.  We look forward to hearing from you.